Turkey’s torched by oven-ready Johnson

Its May 2010….


Cameron: Look Turkey, I know we’ve had our differences in the past, what with some of those pretty toasty Christmas’s in the 80’s but we’ve really changed, and have a look at what’s left of New Labour…they’ve just tanked the economy like the Commies we told you they were all along…


Turkey: Hold on a sec Davie boy…our Northern turkey’s have barely recovered from Thatcher, and didn’t New Labour break the record for the longest period of economic growth in the UK’s history? And if I’m not mistaken, wasn’t the crash caused by US, UK and European banks who took the absolute piss by gambling billions, which was primarily allowed because of Reagan and Thatcherite deregulation??


Cameron: Well yeah, they had a good run based of course on the previous Tory governments foundations, but you’ve got to take responsibility for what happens on your watch…where was the regulation? And look at the state of the economy now?


Turkey: (head beginning to spin a little as his bull-shit radar begins go hay-wire): If I’m remembering straight didn’t your boy George accuse Brown of over-regulating the banking industry in 2007 just before the crash, and haven’t Brown and Darling led a global coalition to shore up the banking system with Britain now on a solid path to recovery?


Cameron: That’s just what they write in the Guardian, check all the papers owned by billionaires…you know the billionaires who prop up the economy…they’ll set you straight. Labour borrowed all this money, spent it on hospitals, schools and national infrastructure instead of sorting out tax cuts that would let you be as rich as me…I mean come on Turkey, they’ve had they keys for 13 years what about a change to freshen things up…it’ll be fun!


Turkey: Alright then, Brown is a bit dull and what with the worst of the crash behind us, what’s the worst that could happen….??


Its 2015…


Turkey: (looking like he went through a ring of fire after a bottle Jaeger): What the actual fuck David!! I thought you clowns said that the Tories were a safe pair of hands with the economy…I seem to remember my Dad telling me about how Thatcher spaffed the North Sea Oil money while making 3 million people unemployed, but thought it was just the chuntering of a senile Turkey!! A triple dip recession, lost our AAA credit rating, half the Turkey’s that voted for you are out of work or on zero hours contracts…and look at my feathers…burned to a cinder!!


Cameron: We did our level best, but those immigrants have been taking your jobs and running amok…all down to New Labour…they let them all in…we just need a few more years to sort it out. We’ll skip through the vote on leaving the EU next year, and then get focused so we’re all on the good stuff by 2020 – how about it?


Turkey: Yeah, about that…are you sure this is a great time for a referendum…the economy is flat lining and haven’t you lot and the billionaire press been blaming the EU for literally everything that’s gone wrong in this country for the past 40 years…couldn’t we shelve that until we’re all on the good stuff in 2020?


Cameron: Well Turkey I’d love to do just that, but to get the big job at the top of the Tory tree I had to make some rather devilish deals with the loons on the far right of the party, and then there’s those swivel eyed Kippers….but don’t sweat it….even Turkey’s don’t vote for Christmas!


Turkey: Well that Ed Milliband did royally shaft his far more qualified brother (Turkey briefly muses on how he’d have definitely voted for the other Milliband). Right Davie, could you please not roast me this time?!


It’s 2016…


Johnson: Ah Turkey, what a fine and delicious meat you are…now I know you and Davie have been getting close but this is the thing…these foreigners have been taking advantage of Turkey’s for decades…Davie doesn’t have the balls for what’s needed…it’s time to raise the flag and go it alone…vote for Brexit and you’ll be doing even better than before those bankers got a bit naughty back in 2008…


Turkey: Look Boris, didn’t we invade about a third of the world for our own enrichment…surely we can absorb some immigrants from the countries we asset stripped? And the EU…aren’t they our closest friends, allies and trading partners…it’s not like the economy is bouncing…might be good to stay tight with Europe until we see what happens in the US…the Orange Dictator doesn’t look like a stable person to be basing our future trade relationship on…


It’s  Christmas Day 2020

Turkey (now barely able to breath and staring wild-eyed at the PM): What have you done to us Boris…the economy’s on its knees and I’m on a ventilator…there’s not a drop of the good stuff anywhere to be found?!


Boris: Well Turkey, as it happens under-funding public services for a decade may not have been the best idea, but you surely can’t be saying that it’s the role of government to have plans in place for times of national crisis. Anyway, we Got Brexit Done so time to bring out the bubbly (one glass arrives for Boris)…


It’s January 2021


As our heroic Turkey’s feather exporting business collapses amidst Brexit induced chaos, our stoic friend finally gives way under the strain. Later that day at the local crematorium, the new Johnson 350m is heated up to full power…the stench of broken promises can be smelt the length and breadth of the country for years to come…

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